Gosh, I sure miss ya! Today is 4 months that you have been gone. Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday that you were here, and other times it seems like forever that you've been gone.
It's been more difficult than I thought it would be. Not that I thought it would be an easy-peasy walk in the park…I guess I just thought that I knew enough about death and loss and grief that I had this one under control…I. Was. Wrong.
Hope you know how much you are loved. And I hope you know how much your life has touched all of ours.
You have had a huge impact on my kids. Curtis was very touched when you read "The Kissing Hand" to us and then shared your testimony and then, even though it took every bit of effort you had, you walked around the room and kissed each one of us on the palm of the hand. It helped strengthen his testimony and gave him the spiritual strength he needed to make changes in his life. Do you know he went through the Temple? Do you know he's married now, to a wonderful girl. I think you would like her.
Em is having a hard time. She misses you a lot. You were like a sister/mom to her. You've always encouraged her to be her best self, and to develop her talents. I know her life is better because of the relationship she had with you.
Spencer and Shane miss you too! You were always the fun, cool Aunt! You had them over for a few days during Spring Break~ just before we found out that you had cancer. You were pretty much on bed rest, but you had a houseful of kids anyway!
I remember Spring Break so well…you had been having that lower back pain for a while, and the day we dropped the boys off, I felt very strongly that I needed to pitch in and help you out, with meals, housework whatever. I just didn't know at the time what that really meant. You asked me if I thought you should go see a doctor. You had been being treated by a chiropractor~ but I agreed that maybe you should see what the doctor had to say, since you really weren't getting better. You got a diagnosis, some medication, and for a few days it seemed like you were on the mend…then things just got worse. Cancer. No known cure. Terminal. It was a rough couple of months~ but you met the challenge with dignity and grace. I'm proud of you~
I'm sorry that I got so sick. I was sick most of the time that you were, and I was unable to help out like I wanted to. I had to be happy with phone calls and texts, and the occasional visit once I started feeling a bit better and could find someone to drive me over to see you. One of my favorite visits was when you were in the hospital after you broke your hip. We didn't talk much~ but I sat by your bedside and held your hand. No words needed. Once I finally was better enough to spend some time with you~ it was evident that you were getting near the end of your journey here on earth. You lived just a few more days. We never got to have that chat that we wanted. I'm sorry Amy, that I let you down. I'm sorry I couldn't be there and be more help to you and your family. I'm sorry that I got sick, and I'm sorry that by the time I was getting better, you were fading away.
We got to talk a bit in those last few days~ moments when you were lucid, but they were few and far between.
I'm sorry I never got the letter written that I wanted to give you. I'm sorry that some of the things you wanted to do for the kids didn't get done. I know you were upset about that. I wish I could have helped more. And I'm sorry that the things we did talk about, I have been unable to follow through with. Though part of me realizes the things you asked of me are things I have no control over, another part of me feels like I'm letting you down again. And I am sorry. I wish I knew how to change things~
And I'm sorry I never got this letter written while you were still here. I doubt that you are reading my blog :) but I'm sure you still know the feelings of my heart. So I guess this letter is just cheap therapy!
We've been through a lot together…our family moving to Arizona~ remember how devastating that was for both of us? Last night I found the note you had written and given to me before we left. I cried when I read it~ but it was perfect timing to find it last night. It was in the box with the "Sisters by Heart" Willow Tree figurines that you gave me before I moved away. I loved them then and love them even more now.
Nathan's death (Amy's baby that died before he was born). We went to the Christmas Box Candle Light Vigil the following year, froze our butts off, but had a wonderful time together. Always wanted to go again~ but never did. But every year, on Nathan's birthday, I would call you, or send you a little something…We had a special bond that way.
Curtis' car accident. You and Gary were among the first at the hospital. You were there for him when we couldn't be. You guys paid for our family to fly from AZ to UT. And every year since his accident you have called me on his "anniversary date". You were one of the few that remembered and understood the significance of that day. I missed your call this year.
Taking care of Rick's grandma together. We had some fun times! Talking late in to the night…until Grandma would get mad and tell us to go to sleep! :) Looking at pictures, sitting out in the car in the driveway talking. Struggling to get Grandma up or down the wheelchair ramp at the doctor's office. (Glad she had a sense of humor and laughed right along with us). And occasionally sneaking away to grab some lunch. Cheese crisps at Mi Rancherito, or burgers and onion rings at Polar Queen...
And now this. Sometimes it feels like I don’t know what to do without you.
Amy, I don't have any sisters of my own, so even though we are sisters-in-law, you have been my sister and my friend. I know we didn't always get along~ I know I could irritate you & you could irritate me. We sometimes didn't see eye to eye about things, even had a time or two when we had a few "words". But despite all that, I've always loved you and appreciated the relationship we had. We've had some great times together over the years. Our families have always been close. I've had a great time the last couple of days reminiscing about some of the fun times we had…family trips to St. George to go to Tuacahn, picnics up the canyon (remember when Rick singed his eyebrows???), movies, barbecues, watching each other's kids. Remember when we all went to AZ together? Taylor was a baby and I was pregnant with Spencer. It was so stinking hot and we wondered how people could stand to live there…And then years later, where did Rick and I end up? Loved when you guys came down for Spring Break and stayed with us for a few days. We had a blast~ the kids loved our pool! Remember when you and Emily got lost and were half way to Tuscon before you called for help? And the summer after Curtis' accident, we met up in St. George for a family vacation for a few days. So many fun times with our families.
Once in a while it would be just you and Gary and Rick and I…going to concerts, spending the weekend in St. George, date nights. And sometimes just you and I… Emails, phone calls, texts, private jokes, sharing recipes, sharing ideas for church callings, and on and on and on.
Thanks for being part of my life. Thanks for loving me despite my flaws. Thanks for being my sister/friend. Thanks for allowing me to share in your life. I am so thankful that Rick and I had moved back to Utah before you got sick. I'm glad we were here, close by. Even though I didn't get to help as much as I wanted~ at least I did get to spend some time with you.
You will always be in my heart…and your kiss is always on the palm of my hand.
Miss you, love you!
~Valerie
My daughter Emily sang at Amy's funeral. Amy always encouraged Emily to share her singing talent~ so singing at the funeral was something Em really wanted to do. She did a great job and chose a beautiful song. The lyrics are below:
Every Breath
Jenny Phillips
His hands are
Catching your tears
And even without any words
He hears
you feel so far
But He's right where you are
And He knows
Every Breath
Every Pain
He knows your heart and
He knows your name
The giver of life
Light in your soul
Oh come home
Come rest
Let Him bless
Your every breath
Silence your voice and be still
And even without any words
You will feel
You think you're far
But He lives in your heart
and He knows
Every Breath
Every Pain
He knows your heart and
He knows your name
The giver of life
Light in your soul
Oh come home
Come rest
Let Him bless
Your every breath
There's nowhere you can go
That He hasn't been below
Every Breath
Every Pain
He knows your heart and
He knows your name
The giver of life
Light in your soul
Oh come home
Come rest
Let Him bless
Let Him bless
Your every breath
